The Guilty and The Guilt-less
By N.D.Graydon
The moment he lay down with her, he knew he had no interest in her outside of sexual conquest. Lying next to her, her head lain upon his chest all he could do was think that there were other places he could be as he strolled through his social media and she slept.
In his quest to bed her he had never sold her any falsehoods; his tongue had never woven a lie to make him out to be anyone other than his self. In fact he was surprised at how into him she seemed to be and how quickly she had submitted to him, in a way it made him lose respect for her, having preferred much more of a challenge.
Thinking to himself, there was nothing so special about him that should’ve got her into bed with him, this quickly. Even if he was attractive to her, it shouldn’t have been this easy. Having made herself constantly available to him whenever it fit him it made his task all the easier. She was cool, but commitment wasn’t anything he had ever envisioned having with her, since the very beginning, though he did find her sexually attractive that was where it stopped.
The morning after they had shared a bed together for the first time she expected them to progress into a relationship, but the level of commitment just wasn’t there. The more she brought it up, the more he ducked the conversation, opting to playfully flirt with her instead to distracted her from furthering the conversation, most times saying, “It’ll happen when it happens!”
All the while he continued so sleep with her, as much as possible when it fit into his schedule which she begrudgingly abided by because she wanted to see how this was going to work out, but day by day she became more and more frustrated to the point of passive aggressive aggression which seemed to now seep into their every conversation.
Feeling ignored and unappreciated she cut him off completely, doing so, so abruptly it took him by surprised. During that time, he worked harder and harder to get her attention through various methods, until she conceded. Already accustomed to his presence in her life, she allowed him back into her good graces.
He had known girls like her, his entire life, they were good girls at heart, but weak willed, he knew as long as you put in enough effort when necessary, she would stick around. Her type was easy to take advantage of, while she talked a big game, he knew as long as he was willing to be in her life, she was going to allow him.
Hesitate at first about having sex with him again, more concerned with being a relationship opposed to having a renewed sex life with him but eventually she gave into the flesh and they became one in body. The entire time her mind was elsewhere until the pleasure overwhelmed her and she found herself lying upon his chest once more, just like the first time they had slept together and that brought her great comfort.
To her everything they had seemed like a relationship, but yet and still he wouldn’t commit to her like she wanted, it frustrating, but the sex was good and when he was around, she was happy. As happy as she could be, until the reality of it all hit her. Content with those things, she settled as a month turned into two months and he still hadn’t come to his senses as she expected him too and as everyday went by from time to time, she became more and more pissed. Secretly venting about him to her friends when he wasn’t around she just didn’t get it because it was boarding on the verge of ridiculous, but she couldn’t tell anyone the full details of what was happening between them because it made her feel like a fool.
To her there just had to be more to their relationship than just sex. So in turn she did everything a good woman should do to get and keep his attention, but nothing she did was good enough. Nothing she did or said swayed him into her way of thinking. Nothing caused him to want the relationship that she wanted, that she felt they already had.
She had even compiled a list of things in her head mentally that he had said and done here and there that proved that there was more to them than the relationship they shared in her bed. There were many glaring facts she chose to overlook for the sake of thinking there was more to him, more to their non- relations relationship. Unable to accept the truth, she accepted a lie as he constantly played the fool when it came time to see where things were going. She wanted more, he was happy with what they already had.
Having reached her breaking point, she went silent as she seethed with frustration which quickly turned to burgeoning anger. At her boiling point, she ceased to care if she told him how she truly felt about him and ceased to care if it would run him of or not. She felt used and she had been used, but more over she felt looked over. But the one thing she couldn’t stomach was that, she had allowed herself to be used. It made her stomach queasy and mind unstable when she thought about it.
Having been run up the wall by her own thoughts and his antics which had become increasingly worse now that she had begun expressing herself more freely to him and even worse still since she cut him off sexually again. His attention now fluttered more than ever, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he had to have been pouring his energy and interest into someone else and she would be damned if he was just going to play with her emotions and then just ignore her, after she had put so much time and energy into making this work with him.
Though she had been ignoring him, in hopes he would get his act together, that quickly came to an end once she decided to do some investigation of her own. Ever inquisitive she went on a fact finding mission and quest to get down to the bottom of it all and found out without much trouble that he had in fact, been spending time with someone else. Something he wasn’t aware that she was aware of and the next time she saw him, she gave him hell. But her emotional outburst was met with a nonchalant and callous attitude, she knew he didn’t want to hear it, but he had no choice in the matter and she gave him her two cents and more and every piece of her mind she could muster at the moment, until she exhausted herself.
Obviously perturbed with her unwillingness to let go and let things be as how they had always been he informs her that they aren’t in a relationship and have never been in a relationship. To which she replies, “So what do you think we have been doing all this time?”
He begins to answer but obviously thinks otherwise because he says absolutely nothing; there is silence for quite some time between them as she awaits an answer. Then he gave her the most resounding answer he could give, he got up and left. On the way out the door expletive’s flung from her tongue like javelins but he was unmoved and woefully undamaged. Even as she questioned his manhood, he paid her little to no mind, she was no more than she had ever been to him and it was time to leave her behind, he had made it fairly obvious she had become a headache he no longer had any interest in having.
Walking out the door she ventured behind her as he left her behind, she stood at the doorway of her house and if looks could kill he had been killed a thousand times before he made it out of the driveway. Lost in the thralls of anger if she could cry she would have as her heart broke once more as it had many times before, all she wanted to do was scream as she thought, “This always happens to me!” She saw his fault but couldn’t find it in herself to realize that he had only done to her what she allowed like many before him. He was one of many, this incident was not isolated and she always found herself back in these same circumstances.
Unable to think straight she calls her best friend in hopes to vent, the conversation goes as expected, the listener listens but she can offer her little to no solace because she wasn’t any more knowledgeable about men than she and she had her own relationship problems as well. Yet and still she offered her two cents as if it had value.
Still reeling from the revelations of truth about him that she had been confronted with; she began to search his social media, scouring his pages for the other woman wanting to see what was so special about this one. Hoping to see if she knew or if she knew about her, wanting to know why she made him happy in opposed to her. Something inside of her told her that she would be validated as soon as she found out all the details about them and then she found her.
Unimpressed, she scoured her page as well, making comparisons and searching for the reason she had attained his attention over her. But upon careful inspection she quickly realized that she in fact had been the other woman all of this time. Enraged and on the verge of inboxing her, she stops herself, opting to post something on his page that is quickly deleted as he blocks her from all of his social sites and then proceeds to call her.
As call she chooses not to answer the first couple of times before eventually giving in, unsurprisingly the call is unpleasant as the hurl a hail storm of profanity at one another. Barely fazed by her words he breaks her in spirit and mind, by not further indulging her in any kind of conversation; instead he chooses to boldly show up at her doorstep. Already knowing what to expect but knowing she is more likely to concede to him in person.
In complete disbelief at his audacious act she opens the door just as he takes a deep breath, looking at her unflinchingly after he feels she has got the worst of it out of her system, he ask, “Are you finished?” Flabbergasted by him, she gives up as he attempts to step into her house; she has nothing else to say to him as her hand press against his chest to stop him from entering.
His attempt at side stepping her to enter is also stopped as she stands in front of him, still refusing to let him pass and he smiles as if amused and it infuriates her that he is purposely pressing her buttons. Finding her composure her eyes burn into his soul spreading like a wildfire, igniting him where he stands as she asks about the other woman and he replies, and “It’s complicated!”
He immediately starts to sell her a story she has brought before and heard a thousand times from different men as she silently listens before slamming the door in his face, making sure to lock it as he walks away. But not before yelling back to her something she doesn’t care to hear, peeking out of the blinds she replies, “Go home to your girlfriend!”
Her back to the door she stands still quietly mewling over her disturbed thoughts as the small pieces left of her heart break and fall to the fall and the urge to cry overwhelms her eyes. She desperately seeks to abate the falling of her tears as her eyes swell and she rubs them with the back of her knuckles. If she could she would, but she refuses because she knows he isn’t worth her tears. It has been too much going on for too long and she just doesn’t understand why, after she had done so much for him.
Unable to have her moment in peace, he begins to text her as he drives off but quickly stops once she threatens to send his girlfriend snapshots of their conversation. Sickened by all men, not just him, she imposes a complete hiatus from men, disgusted with the thought of love and relationships; she just wants to be alone as she curls up on her couch, still fighting back her tears. Times passes slowly through the hour glass for her as she buries her head into her pillow to keep from screaming. Sitting up she sits at the edge of her couch, her hands cupping her face before her self-imposed hiatus from men ends, only a few hours later.
As which is the norm she reconnects with the man who had always been there for her when she has needed him and had always been reliable, since long before she had begun talking to her most recent romantic fail. In fact after she had switched her interest she had begun completely neglecting him, it had been a month since he had honestly heard anything from her. It had happened all rather abruptly for him and she hadn’t told him anything, she simply uprooted herself from his life and was gone. Opting to call him every now and then, mostly when she was waiting for her former beau to call her back or she couldn’t find him and needed a distraction.
Too long had passed for him this time and he stopped her at the entrance of his life, stopping her before she got ahead of herself, which only made matters worse because she expected more from him. She hadn’t even taken the time to see how she had hurt him, how she had been hurting him, she simply expected things to fall right back into the place they had always been. Not realizing that place didn’t exist anymore, though she thought it always would.
He was supposed to always be a viable option to her, when she needed him to be. He had always been her safe option and this time, he refused to be a part of the cycle he had allowed to begin so long ago with her. All he had ever wanted from her was a relationship and commitment, but all he had every gotten was strung along and second place tier in her life, below men that never deserved her in the first place. And he was always forced to play voyeur to her relationships, still around in the same capacity and outlasting them all but never progressing to the main stage, though he knew he deserved to be the star.
For the longest the benefits made it worth sticking around, but as he got older, he wanted more and felt he deserved more from her, she couldn’t see that the same thing she was doing to him, was the same thing all the men she encountered were doing to her.
Enraged by his refusal she cursed at him as if he were the one that had actually scorned her. He knew her much better than she even knew herself and allowed her to get out her frustration for another on him. He didn’t mind he knew it had nothing to do with him and while the words were aimed at him, he wasn’t their intended target just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire.
Ever the good sport he calmly accepted it, telling her “I will talk to you later!” empathically leaving her behind. His dismissiveness too her to another level of pain because it was already bad enough she had lost what she was working towards with another, did she had she have to lose him too. Never realizing how many times she had cast him aside.
Hurt himself, he hadn’t the energy to continue on this repetitive path of dysfunction with her, he wanted more and she couldn’t understand why things had to change between them. He loved her with all of his heart, but he knew at this one, love would never be enough to make her truly accept him. He was moving forward and the only way he could do that would be by painfully detaching himself from her, it hurt him more than he was willing to admit but it was necessary.
There shared two completely visions of one another and she couldn’t see they had always been together, they had always been a couple and he wasn’t there for her out of duty, but out of love. Hoping that one day, she would see he was the one for her because he had always been there, but even that wasn’t enough. Love wasn’t enough and his spirit was worn and she was as torn about commitment to him as she had always been.
Too many times in life we allow our eyes to only see as much as we wish to see, detaching our true vision and insight from reality for a more favorable fantasy which suits our romantic aspirations when it comes to love. In these times we find ourselves content with living a lie, in hope that the lie will eventually match our self-imposed fictional take on reality. Even though we know narrative we are attempting to tell is inaccurate we tell ourselves it is otherwise, speaking things into existence which are based on untruths overlooking all that are reminders that our reality is based on falsehood.
In our amorous adventures many will always find a reason to keep themselves from truly loving those that love them, from truly accepting those that accept them in the belief, love isn’t supposed to be that easy or because they feel unworthy of true love and it makes them afraid, so they run to what/whom they think is more suitable in hopes it works.
Those too afraid to love those that love them are afraid of love and unprepared for the relationships they are entering into. Those of us that don’t learn from our mistakes are only doomed to repeat them until we mature enough to learn from them and progress or give up and accept whatever comes our way. Too often we are guilty of the same charges we levy against others, be aware of who you love, don’t love and how and why you love!
N.D.Graydon 